so as some of you guys may or may not know, i went on a study camp this week - monday to friday.
tagging along with ryan tam, i went - i dont know what i was expecting, but i definitely didnt expect what i had ended up receiving.
at first i sorta regretted my decision to go on study camp, kept thinking i could have done more study at home/library etc. but then by the end the amount of study i did was irrelevant (but i did do on average 6/7 hours a day :D)
when i went there i didnt know anyone of the 30 odd people (about half and half students and leaders) apart from ryan. but the end i had made a lot of close close friends. had a hilarious time playing lots of mafia, pool and nerf gun wars, just hanging and enjoying time together, doing stupid stuff in study sessions. But overall i was so suprised and grateful i ended up with them lol. Esp my cabin group+leaders - we talked about some serious stuff and shared such deep things. man i miss everyone so much <3
i knew beforehand that the study camp was run by a christian org, but just consolidated myself with saying that i would just sit though the once-daily christian talks/discussion. thought i could just get through it patiently - i guess apathetically. just what ive been like at church in the last months or so. the idea of them didnt annoy me, but just was an obstruction i guess to the main focus of studying.
but guess what.
at the risk of sounding like another blah-yipee-born-again-God-touched me story
this is as honest and as true as i can possibly put it.
i grew so much closer to God.
i will go as far as to say,
i found God again.
and i am so thankful and feel so blessed that i did.
there wasnt any emotional, expressive powerful talks - Kenny (the speaker) - did. just us sitting on plastic chairs listening him to speak. there was no emotional/passionate praise sessions. in fact i think we only sang on like 2 of the days lol. there was no tears and empassioned altar calls.
nothing like that.
just a series of 5 good, clear, straightforward talks by Kenny in his funny/cute malay accent on Hebrews. discussion groups afterwards in our cabin groups. then lunch afterwards. average and normal.
that was all.
but i dont know how or why, over the course of the 5 days - just listening, discussing, talking with everyone there. Maybe because i was surrounded by friends who just happened to be strong and proud christians. maybe because i found others like me had massive struggles with my views, my beliefs, my way of life - i dont think the word religion expresses it quite well. I was, and still am to an extent, a person who didnt feel like a christian anymore, falling out of my faith - being apathetic towards it i guess - going to the extent that i was thinking, 'well maybe im just not a christian - i dont think i should believe in any religion'.
But one thing that Kenny said that stuck to me was something along the lines of, "I think true Christians are the ones who constantly struggle - rather than the ones who always seem to be good with God". I'd like to think i just came out of a massive struggle iwth myself. the few people ive had 'religion' conversations (you guys know who you are) with over the past year probably know that already though.
Im currently sort of scared and excited at the same time - scared to be taking that literal step back into faith again.
excited that i feel this way about God again, havent felt this in a long time i guess.
but most of all excited cause it feels real - not contrived in some teary emotional service at a church camp, but that it was my own choice, my own undertaking.
my own leap of faith.
clear and true.
